How tiresome that the game of football has not moved on. Ever since the formation of the Football Association there has been this narrow view that the game should be played with a small round object called a football but surely in the C21st it is time to think again. Poor Chelsea, how unfair is it that, after spending so many millions on players, they can't beat a little Welsh team like Swansea? And why? Because the £45m striker Torres can't put that stupid round ball into the net!
Well last night, Chelsea unveiled a new revolutionary version of the game. Why kick a ball, when you can kick a ball boy instead? Speaking after the game, Rafa Benitez explained: "Everybody in the world of football are liars. Everything said about me is lies. Even this quotation is lies."
He continued: "Our owner has pumped so much money in to this sport and should have the right to determine the rules. Footballs are stupid slippery things. They skid around the ground and move far too fast for the slow of thought like Torres, the heavy legged like Terry and the wide of girth like Lampard."
"Young Hazard showed the way in the game last night. Why kick a football when you can kick a ball boy instead? Mr Abromovich can source any number of orphan Russians who would be only too glad to be kicked by multi millionaire footballers. We see this as a great new innovation for our game."
"Our fans would love to see this introduced and it would offer great opportunities for disadvantaged young people to break into the game. And John Terry is anxious that we should not be discriminatory so perhaps we should use black boys. I know that would go down well in Spain!"
The new owners of Leeds United were not available for comment because they are unavailable to comment on everything. However, Old Big Gob expressed reservations saying, "Chelsea wouldn't be saying this if they had a team of pensioners like me. How are players in their mid thirties going to catch the ball boys in the first place? I would rather stick with my current tactics of kicking opposition players instead."