(Submitted by an anonymous Leeds United fan. Grammatical errors have been corrected.)
UEFA has moved swiftly to shift any blame away from West Ham in the Champions League
match fixing scandal. A UEFA source, who did not want to be named for fear of ridicule, stated: "I can confirm that West Ham United are not in one of
our avenues of investigation".
This comes as a massive relief for bookmakers who
stood to lose a fortune should West Ham ever qualify for the Champions League
then fix a match.
When approached at home, co owner David Sullivan came to his
letterbox and shouted through it, "Leave me alone you big bully", apparently
mistaking our man for a football agent.
Leeds United have also been cleared. Apparently, records do not go back that far and, unlike Nottingham Forest, Liverpool, Chelsea, Manchester United and even Aston Villa, Leeds have never won the trophy anyway.
The same unidentified UEFA source confirmed, "Leeds United under Revie cheated their way to many victories through professional fouls and kicking opponents, but there is no evidence that they actually tried to fix a game. Mind you, questions are still being asked about that England game against Poland. Why, exactly, did Norman Hunter stand on the ball out on the touchline allowing Poland to break away and score?"
However the source confirmed: "It really doesn't matter now. Unlike West Ham who are in the Premiership, Leeds are so far away from qualification for European competition that they can do what the hell they like as far as we are concerned. The decision to part with their leading scorer in the January window confirms the lack of ambition at the club so we will not be wasting our time investigating a club with an average home gate of less than 20,000 and a squad of old men who only ever saw marginally better days."